Fearful/Avoidant v. Dismissive Avoidant and Dating Reality

16 min readOct 27, 2022
Courtesy Google Images

What plays out when two avoidant types come together and what are the key takeaways to keep in mind if you are part of this dynamic little club?

I met R. in the best way. Myself, sitting 3 or so seats away from him at the local small town watering hole’s bar wood. Very similar to a Cheers episode type of vibe. R., my back to him, quipped a comment succinct enough for me to raise my head and participate. I rarely bothered normally, the need to work remotely from a bar was driven intrinsically by my need to abandon the home workspace that housed all of my perceived failures and not for making friends.

R’s quip was intelligent. Mindful. And enigmatic. All of which this small town was very much suffering from a lack of. He made me actually feel the need to turn my head to deliver my response. Usually my retorts were communicated through my back and my open laptop’s screen. R was intriguing. His personal presentation matched his prior response. I quickly noted his dark ball cap over his longish dark brown straight hair. I assumed he just finished an online day of work. His plaid collared shirt hit the proportion lottery in the level of exposure it provided under his navy, rich sweater and blazer.

I never recollected more than that when recalling his physicality. I just loved that he could form complete sentences. Had value statements. He spoke outside of the banal limitations that can come with small town life.

Our future sporadic interactions created an adhesive of mutual interest. Perhaps each of us noticing reprieve for a desperation of anything of interest that neither of us knew was in us. R was so engaging and charismatic. We were so similar in lifestyle.

Yet, I never noticed him that way, you know, the sexy time way. He was a genuine friend. I found him smart and his insanely youthful looks were something that required ID proof of his 6 months more mature status than me.

Then one night, at the beginning of the early sunsets of the northwestern winters, I felt this necessity to reach out to R. While we had planned meetings to connect before, it was always during business hours. This was much different. I was frustrated with critical issues that I needed to talk to someone about. Someone that…


Female startup founder. MBTI enthusiast. INTJ. Passion for research and making sense of the world, optimization and supporting others journeys.